When I was a young boy, I used to love watching Godzilla movies. His city destroying, monster battling, tail-sliding, flying-through-the-air-with-his-Atomic-Breath antics made me the happiest child this side of the ghetto. The Big G had an unknown charm to him, was it the sometimes dopey expression? The cheesy special effects? Or was it the fact that he was mother-fucking Godzilla? No one knows. As I was saying earlier, I loved Godzilla, note how I said "loved", it's on the test later, and it will be worth 50 percent of your grade. Anywoozle, back to our little tale, it all began 10 years ago...
I was a poor white cracker in a ghetto neighborhood, on a daily basis I would get beaten up by the local black population, because y'know, I'm the center of attention. Whenever I got home, my dad beat the ever loving fuck out of me for looking at the ever growing tumor on his stomach, my mother was always using the flat screen T.V., watching her soap operas. When dad got tired of beating me up, I would scurry up to my room, making sure to lock the door when I got there. I would take out my small television set, configuring all of the wires and junk, after that I would take out a VHS, and what was the movie on the VHS you ask? Godzilla of course! But then, tragedy struck.
It all started when my copy of Godzilla v.s. Megalon wore out, I couldn't believe it! I was upset, as in, REALLY upset. I grabbed the shotgun my dad keeps under his fat folds, then ran outside and shot a couple people, screaming like a maniac, this act of insanity caught the attention of the local black population.
"Dayum homey!" One of the black people said. "Dat cracka ain't on his medz! Ya dig?"
I was about to burn down an orphanage full of puppies, kittens, and other adorable creatures, when I noticed a flea market. "Maybe they have a copy of Godzilla v.s. Megalon!", I thought to myself. Throwing the shotgun on the ground, I dashed towards the flea market's entrance, ready for a shopping spree.
Long story short, I found and bought a bootleg copy of Godzilla v.s. Megalon, as well as a human skull, a bloody sweater, a book that describes the person WHO WAS PHONE (now that I know who was phone, I may never sleep again (p.s. The person/people who were/was phone are......TELEMARKETERS!!!!)), and a Coke Cola.
The bootleg VHS was a bit peculiar in terms of looks, the image was of Godzilla fighting Megalon on a fiery battlefield, but something was off. The drills that were once Megalon's hands were replaced with... Dildos, and Godzilla had what looked like blood stains under his eyes. Like anyone with common sense, I ignored it and ran home, making sure to shank a couple pedestrians along the way.
When I got home, I made sure to slowly creep up the stairs, making sure that I didn't wake up my Snorlax of a father, then I made sure that I made sure. I made it to my room, thankfully unscathed, and threw the VHS at the VCR. With my precision throwing skills, the tape made it into the VCR slot, cover and all. The VCR emitted a strange hissing sound, and the smell of burning VHS cover could be smelt. Then the movie began...
The VHS started without any sort of FBI warning, but that's to be expected from a bootleg tape. The movie started normally, terrible dubbing and all, but that changed when the monster Gigan appeared. It didn't even look like Gigan! "Gigan" had feathers instead of the leathery, scaly body texture, as well as chicken wings instead of scythes. Basically, Gigan was now a space chicken (like he wasn't already). This made me mad! Gigan was my favorite kaiju! Why is this happening?! I threw my egg salad sandwich at the television screen, then I threw the T.V. remote out the window, where the local black population made a dash to catch it.
"Yo dawg! Thanks fo da back scratcha!" One of the ghetto dwellers said.
I begrudgingly ignored this "space chicken" and continued to watch the film. Eventually, I reached the climax (hurr hurr) of the film. Jet Jaguar and Godzilla versus "Gigan" and Megalon. Something about the monsters was off, Godzilla had blood pouring out of his eyes, Megalon had dildos instead of drill hands (OMFG JUZT LIEK TEH COVER111!1!1!1!!!1), Gigan still looked like a chicken, and Jet Jaguar was, well, Jet Jaguar, he's creepy either way. That's when something weird happened, Jet Jaguar looked at me! Jet Jaguar stared into my soul for a *checks stopwatch* solid 20 seconds, with silly music playing in the background.
.
After Jet Jaguar was done staring at me, the fight began. Megalon's main attack was swinging his massive dildo drills around, whatever touched them were left with a sticky substance on the area that was smacked. "Gigan" didn't last very long, and was torn to pieces as soon as the fight started, leaving Megalon to fend for himself. Jet Jaguar didn't really do anything, he just kind of stared at Megalon, with his permanent creepy grin. Megalon couldn't handle the staring, and left the battlefield, leaving Godzilla and Jet Jaguar victorious!
As soon as Godzilla and J.J. won, a strange figure appeared before them, taller than both of them combined, when I realized who this figure was, I was scarred for life. The figure was none other than...
Nicolas Cage
His terrifying figure was more than enough to make me want to turn my VCR off, and that's just what I did. I turned the VCR off, took the VHS out, and chucked it out my window, forever free from the Cage that I was trapped in. I breathed a sigh of relief, but my small moment of reassurance was ruined when... I heard a swarm... But what kind of swarm? A sort of buzzing... Wait... No.... OH GOD NO!!!!! NOT THE BEES!!!!! OH GOD NOT THE BEES!!!!!!!!!!!
The End